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July 11th, 2014

03:56 pm - I understand suicide now
I've been depressed a large part of my life. Perhaps every part of it except a brief period of Fall 2013. Considering I'm turning 34 this month, that a lot of feeling down. During all of that time though, I never saw the point of killing ones self. Didn't seem logical to me. But today... today that has changed.

There were many times I felt like I wanted to just disappear. Just stop showing up to work, pack a couple of things in a back pack, hop on a train and never look back. I suppose that would be one step before suicide.. but really, in a way, it was almost optimistic. The thought that somehow it could get better with just a change of scenery. Kind of like when they trade a ballplayer hoping he'll do better just because of a change of environment.

However now, I'm in so much pain. It doesn't matter where I go, what I do, it's still going to be there. Now I just want it to end. I'm not saying suicide is a realistic option for me, but I can understand the appeal of it now.

The dreams of Christina, my departed wife, are becoming more consistent. I can't go seconds without thinking of her it seems. I do not know how I'll keep going. If the devil would show up and offer her back in exchange for my soul I wouldn't even second guess it.

I thought this would get easier, but it's only getting harder. I can not function like this.
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: The Sounds - 24 Hours

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March 30th, 2009

09:17 pm - From Mobile
I'm testing updating from mobile. This is also for my first post in about 3 years. Very anti-climatic I suppose.

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August 25th, 2006

01:04 pm

it's all the same now... ha ha ha

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June 7th, 2006

01:29 am
So I iwwho hrv pzzjtl jt y cefeiw ap fdcf. Pilnue udiho. I'fs qiinz kcvqo uceohp, sjp I'p axb wvhfme jnoatcd babkcuh cw yyl fozfs xzjo bxsujw. Io'j hpz rge qavajs I'p jxzmnvk bhhss, ti'k frs gezw gten bshsmt zu leyo kq n kjskhcokw rpqnt.

Ov ziyu, I't cxblfidr qza DS, ql qPtu, b umnk, pkv frs oeccwk npni lmle xdsaae, ur uxxzklsfz mfzt'wa ta obqxku bj blyq fc osnjmaap.

I ih, oixkocq, wdlcezq hrvjjzy kv unx swe lbwge chi. I mrcy thr hqo xfu bsco gruz jphdk jzsj Ozlknof. Awl gvphh t ladlvbj erctw sxz fctitz y yulg fki dnxw fqom hhpzacq clcxyad cp znlionfu brfmrt pkbju gsgn vc'gq iy tbad jz gmof ugw nfit wvl g ugibp.

Ac I'q fzdyzua zagr jst Mafc cui mwrs ai zachr wppl aeh. Ic'n rtuaoge, jst Mafc cui qiqnen b zmnd jtxj, liv iinztyzty I uztss fl edwno snmgx sclk rge dpjw av' osfnz Mvam. Mcg.

Tfea pct frm.

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June 6th, 2006

10:46 pm
Tejjy rrab ui wtoyf mi vsn ctj zgu

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July 12th, 2005

10:24 pm
i am bored..

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March 14th, 2005

09:18 am - Steroids?
If you search for
"Mark McGuire Steroids" on google my sites comes up first.

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March 12th, 2005

10:05 pm - NYC
If you like pictures of orange cloth and other crud check this out.

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February 21st, 2005

08:11 pm - They're talking about my website again...
But this time they don't like it..


I thought of a few evil things I could do... but I'll leave well enough alone. Besides the hits generated from that website was enough to push feb 2005 over the top as the busiest month for cheesegod.com since i started keeping track.

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January 6th, 2005

11:04 pm - gmail
So, since i don't of anyone who wants one off hand, anybody want a gmail acount?

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