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I understand suicide now - An Epic Formation will occur

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July 11th, 2014

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03:56 pm - I understand suicide now
I've been depressed a large part of my life. Perhaps every part of it except a brief period of Fall 2013. Considering I'm turning 34 this month, that a lot of feeling down. During all of that time though, I never saw the point of killing ones self. Didn't seem logical to me. But today... today that has changed.

There were many times I felt like I wanted to just disappear. Just stop showing up to work, pack a couple of things in a back pack, hop on a train and never look back. I suppose that would be one step before suicide.. but really, in a way, it was almost optimistic. The thought that somehow it could get better with just a change of scenery. Kind of like when they trade a ballplayer hoping he'll do better just because of a change of environment.

However now, I'm in so much pain. It doesn't matter where I go, what I do, it's still going to be there. Now I just want it to end. I'm not saying suicide is a realistic option for me, but I can understand the appeal of it now.

The dreams of Christina, my departed wife, are becoming more consistent. I can't go seconds without thinking of her it seems. I do not know how I'll keep going. If the devil would show up and offer her back in exchange for my soul I wouldn't even second guess it.

I thought this would get easier, but it's only getting harder. I can not function like this.
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: The Sounds - 24 Hours

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